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Lin
Junior Member
USA
352 Posts |
 Posted - 04/11/2008 : 03:19:04
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I posted over a month ago and nobody replied. I will try again.
What is enabling?
For me it is when I do something for the alcoholic that allows him to continue to stay in his disease. If I call in to his boss and lie about why he's not at work, if I cover up to his family and friends why he is not there, If I cover his bad checks, bail him out of jail, pay his fines, buy his booze, Pay his bills because he spent his money on his habit. If i do someth8ign for the alcoholic that makes me have a resentment, it's probably enabling. I don't do for him what he should be doing for himself.
Sometimes there is a fine line and it's a tough call. If i dont pay the house payment..because he spent the money....then we might lose the house and myself and the kids might be out on the street. I can rationalize that one. ( i dont' have a hosue paymene or kids...but if a sponsee asked me if this is enabling...it would be a tough call.)
Doing laundry, cooking, cleaning the house,e tc are not what I call enabling. Yhose things dont keep him in his disease one more day.
I believe I need to allow him to feel the consequences of his actions. If he alsys has be catching him when he starts to fall, he will never hurt enough to want to stop.
Please share your thoughts on enabling.
LINDA
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Lotus
Starting Member
5 Posts |
Posted - 04/15/2008 : 11:14:46
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Hi Lin. I will share about my enabling issues!
For me, in a nutshell, if I do something for someone that they should reasonably be doing for themselves, I am out of line. For me that does include laundry and dishes. Around here if you make a mess, you get to clean it up, irregardless of that being a financial mess, putting a hole in the wall, or leaving dishes in the sink.
Now this doesn't mean that sometimes I step out of my circle that is Lotus and prepare a favorite meal, or do something sweet. But it because I want to do it, not because it needs to be done.
I find a lot of serenity and letting others take accountability for their own actions. |
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Lin
Junior Member
USA
352 Posts |
Posted - 04/24/2008 : 21:10:41
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Thansk Lotus. It's great to know SOMEBODY is reading the posts.
I agree. If I do something for others that they could be doing for themselves, I can often get a resentment. If what I do helps them spend one more day in their addiction, then it is definitely enabling.
I really dont see doing laundry or cooking meals as enabling, but if it causes others to have a resentment, then we need to take a look at our behaviors.
Putting holes in the walls? Yep. I remember those days well. I refused to clean it up. If a glass bowl of spaghetti was thrown at the wall, I'd leave the spaghetti on the wall until he decided he was tired of seeing it and clean it himself. But because we had dogs in the house, I cleaned up the broken glass. I did not feel a resentment there. I jstu knew the glass had to be cleaned up now...not tomorrow or the next day.
Thanks so much for a reply!
LIN |
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enabling
