| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
MajestyJo
Average Member
Canada
590 Posts |
 Posted - 10/19/2007 : 14:11:42
|
I couldn't understand the word 'powerless' until I substituted it with the word control. When I looked back at the times I tried to control, I realized that I tried to be safe, but got hurt anyways. Control was an illusion.
I was 10 when I stole a glass of communion wine. There was only about an inch in the silver goblet, but I wanted to see what I was missing (the story of my life) out on. I can still remember the feeling, which I call the warm fuzzies, that feeling that makes you go ahhhhhh! I was always looking for that feeling. The problem was when I found it, I could stop there I always had to have more. The first time I drank socially, I had eight rum and coke and it just brought me up to the same place I get in today on a natural high. I didn't drink again until I was 21 and got married. My church upbring told me it was a No No! When I was 14, I was baptized and my church used real wine for communion. I can remember trying to take a gulp and make it look like a sip. At the age of 16, I was put in the hospital for testing to see what was causing my headaches and the pains in my stomach. They came to the conclusion that I had a nervous disorder and put me on valium. When I started drinking, I took two 222s every night before I went to sleep if I had a lot to drink to prevent a hangover. Pills were dried up alcohol for me.
When I tried to quit drinking on my own I substituted pills for the alcohol. In the end I was doing both and on a death walk at the age of 49 when I came into recovery. Because of my relgious upbringing I had to deal with a lot of guilt beside letting go of the drugs and alcohol.
Everything growing up in the church was "thou shall not" and I had to give myself permission to live. I had to learn to endorse myself and say, "Hey, it is okay." I learned that just because I did stupid things, I wasn't stupid. It was okay to make a mistake. Just because I made one doesn't mean I was one. I wasn't a bad person trying to get good, I was a sick person trying to get better. I had to go through what I went through to bring me to where I was in today. My experience, strength and hope was meant to be shared with others.
When I quit smoking, I went back to church on an Easter Sunday. I had communion for the first time in many years. It was like I was making an ammend to my God for all those guilt feelings and fears of being struck down by the wrath of God and acknowledge Him as a loving God. I didn't go back for two years and when I did I found that church for me was for people who didn't have Twelve Step Programs. The people didn't identify and understand me but that was okay. That wasn't my purpose for being there. I generally went for the music and the singing. The minister's message I related to the program after all the Oxford Group was what the program was built on.
My drug of choice was more. More of what I am having, more of what you are having, a more of what ever comes my way.
That more in today can be my computer, food, work, reading (shutting out of the world), and going to bed. It doesn't matter what the substance is, it can lead to the same soul sickness as drugs, alcohol, gambling, and relationships.
|
Love Always,
Each Day is a New Beginning, so have a great one. |
Edited by - MajestyJo on 10/24/2007 21:14:12 |
|
|
ChrissyV
New Member
59 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2007 : 04:58:18
|
| I think many of us have "addictive personalities" even although we don't drink or do drugs. I am from an alcoholic father but I don't drink and never have. But my 3 brothers do. I notice though that whatever I get involved in, it becomes my life and I live it to the fullest, whether it be computers or gambling or just games. It consumes me totally, therefore it's a good thing I don't like the drink or I would probably become an alcoholic myself. I wonder if studies have ever been done on "addictive personalities". Perhaps I will write Dr. Phil about that :) |
 |
 |
|
|
MajestyJo
Average Member
Canada
590 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2007 : 17:06:34
|
Thank you for sharing (((Chrissy))). Not sure if it is because we are products of our environment or not. I know as an adult child, I can identify with all the characteristics long before I became an alcoholic.
I had a sponsee who got drunk on half a beer. She got stoned on Neo Citron and cough syrup. When she went back to school, she did everything as if it had to happen yesterday. She started after the other in half term and caught up. She made herself sick. She took a hairdresser's course and attacked it the same way. It seems it has to be all or nothing at all. I think she is more characteristics of an adult child than an alcoholic. As far as she is concerned she is an alcoholic. She can't drink safely. It is not how much you drink, it is what it does to you.
|
Love Always,
Each Day is a New Beginning, so have a great one. |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
More of My Story
